


Return to Merry

by Elillierose



Category: One Piece
Genre: Angst, Blood, Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Funerals, Goodbyes, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, Loss, M/M, Major Character Injury, Major character death - Freeform, Romance, m/m - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-11
Updated: 2019-11-11
Packaged: 2021-01-28 22:16:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21399508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elillierose/pseuds/Elillierose
Summary: When someone you care about is in danger, your natural reaction is usually to protect them. So, that’s just what Sanji did. But...no one was prepared for the deadly price that would come with it, especially not Zoro. The swordsman, riddled with guilt, has to deal with the consequences and guilt. However, he knows this isn’t the end.Zosan, Deathfic***Reuploading due to being unrightfully deleted based on false abuse claims***
Relationships: Roronoa Zoro/Vinsmoke Sanji
Comments: 10
Kudos: 74





	1. The Incident

**Author's Note:**

> Day 6 of MarimoCookWeek - Sacrifice
> 
> Beta read by: markofthemoros and DragonRiderSayomi
> 
> My Tumblr  
And my Patreon
> 
> Hope you enjoy this roller coaster. XD

“The hell said you could come in here!?” Sanji questioned, shouting over his shoulder as Zoro thoroughly ignored him and proceeded to pour himself a generous amount of ale. The swordsman turned and ducked just in time as a foot swung through the air, just where his head previously was.

His teeth grit, but he somehow managed to avoid the attack without spilling a single drop. “What the fuck was that for!?” he spat, free hand instinctively resting on the hilt of one of his three swords.

The blond said nothing, knowing Zoro was already fully aware of what the issue was. He could play dumb as much as he wanted.

Scoffing to himself, the larger man eased his hand from his sword and slowly relaxed. “Damn shithead,” he muttered before taking a hefty sip. Still, he stood there, watching the other as he moved from pan to pot as if it were all second nature. So captivated by the man’s movements, he quickly lost track of just how long he had been standing there. Five, ten minutes? He wasn’t aware of his staring until a single blue orb pierced through him.

“What, can’t find your own way out?”

Zoro’s jaw tightened and a light ‘tsk’ slipped between his teeth. “Was just making sure you didn’t fuck up,” he muttered, turning towards the door. He paused just as he stepped over the threshold to glance over his shoulder. Luckily, Sanji didn’t notice this last, stolen look before the swordsman was gone.

He took his now half-mug of ale and sauntered to the railing of the Thousand Sunny, holding it between both hands as he leaned against the wood. Closing his eyes, he took a moment to relish in the gentle breeze; it was the first they’ve had in a good while. May as well enjoy it while he could; there was no telling how long it would last out on these unpredictable waters. Another few minutes drifted by until he finally finished his beverage. By now, the first tendrils of orange and pink began to slither across the horizon.

With a heavy sigh, he lowered his gaze, glancing down to view, in dismay, the few droplets that clung to the bottom of his mug. Time for a refill, he supposed.

Grunting as he pushed himself from the railing, Zoro hesitated momentarily as a slightly stronger gust of wind ruffled his hair, catching him off guard. He shivered as it tickled the back of his neck and subtle tingles trickled down his spine. He spared a curious glance back, finding the skies still clear as they had been. Shrugging it off, he made his way back to the kitchen, surprised to see Sanji still cooking away.

This time, he went after his desired drink with much lighter steps. But, of course, he knew it was for naught. He could still feel the other’s attention on him. The man wasn’t even looking at him, and yet the swordsman could almost feel his watch.

“Don’t worry,” Zoro called out, “I’m going right back out, so don’t get your panties in a bun-”

He choked on his words as the ship suddenly lurched to one side. He heard a swear or two from the other side of the room, and he had no doubt that whatever the chef was stirring was now all over the place. “What the hell was that?” he asked tightly, cigarette held firmly between his lips.

“You know as much as I do,” Zoro shot back. He forgot about his drink for the time being and set the container down just as the ship shifted again, spilling its contents all over the floor. Now it was his turn for a few choice, colorful words. There was no time to worry about the mess, though. His curiosity and concern was piqued. And right after making sure the burners were off, the blond was right behind him. Their steps were heavy, but were soon drowned out by the commotion that literally barged through the door as they neared it. Even Zoro, as sturdy as he was, found himself needing to take a step back as he was pelted with sharp rain, turned almost to bullets by the wind.

At least with the brute of a man as a shield, Sanji managed to stay on his feet. He had one arm raised to cover his face. “What is this, a damn typhoon?” he asked, voice raised to be heard over the rush of wind and crashing of waves.

“Came out of nowhere,” Zoro muttered, sure his words went unheard. His gaze scanned the deck. The rest of the crew were already at work, Nami calling orders to the bunch. It wasn’t long before her eye caught sight of him, and instantly set him with a task.

“Zoro, hold the sail steady!” she demanded, a tone that left no room for dilly-dallying or argument. It wasn’t often he heard such urgency come from her. His body was moving before he could think about it. If the woman said anything else, it was lost to him as he focused on gripping the rope and holding it as tightly as he could. But damn, this storm was doing everything it could to rip it from his hands. His teeth clenched as a sting entered his palms, the coarse material grated against his skin. In a desperate attempt to keep his hold, he wrapped the rope tightly around his hand. Within just a few seconds, he could feel it biting in deeper.

This thing was no joke. The last storm he remembered being this powerful was almost enough to take the whole Merry out. Given, this ship, as much as he loved the other, was much sturdier. He doubted she would take much damage in this, but that didn’t mean they wouldn’t be dragged or tossed overboard in a heartbeat. He closed his eye tightly when he felt the rope finally break skin, but his hold never loosened.

He wasn’t sure if it was in the back of his mind or not, but he was faintly aware of the sound of something creaking. Not the normal sounds of a ship being roughed a bit by a few strong waves, but something a bit more ominous. It wasn’t until the strained creak escalated into a ‘SNAP’ that he jerked his head towards its source.

His eye barely had time to focus on the splinters that used to be railing before he felt the impact. Breath evacuated his lungs and stars stole his vision as his back struck the deck. The rope unfurled from his hands, but the pain in his ribs and shoulder didn’t leave any room to in his mind to pay attention to his surely mutilated palms.

He spluttered on his next inhale and that’s when the real pain hit him. First it was the sharp pulsing in his shoulder, and there wasn’t a single second of uncertainty that at least one of the shards had impaled his left. He felt more than heard an agonized groan scrape out of his throat. Even that was enough to bring burning to his ribs...so a few of those were promised to be bruised if not broken. Zoro coughed lightly against the pressure on his...chest…

His breath caught before swallowing it to the pit of his stomach as realization enveloped him, bringing with it the sensation of ice through his veins. Ice that was thawed by warmed pouring over his torso. Too warm to be the rain.

He forced his eyelid open, struggling to get them to focus. They didn’t need to though; he could plainly see the blond mess so close to his face. His mouth opened, but nothing aside from a strangled exhale could make it out of his dry mouth.

“Sanji!”

Zoro’s whole body was frozen, even the weight bearing down on him felt almost non-existent. He could feel labored, shuddered huffs against the side of his neck. Each was shorter than the last, and the time between them increased by a few milliseconds. He could almost feel the cook’s faltered pulse against his aching ribs. He could count the seconds between each. Far too many for his comfort.

The swordsman could hear little beyond the ringing in his ears. Everything else was played through cotton. The same cotton he was convinced he was breathing through. He swallowed thickly, feeling sick to his stomach as he finally lifted his head enough to see over the golden mount. He instantly wanted to throw up on the spot. His throat burned with the attempt to keep the bile down as he took in the sight of erect splinters. One in particular, the largest of the bunch, left a bitter taste on the back of his tongue.

Before he knew what he was doing, his body finally regained feeling. As he moved, he vaguely was aware of the touch on his shoulders, trying to get him to stay still.

“Zoro, stay still,” he heard Chopper request through haze. He did as he was asked, but only out of fear of jostling Sanji’s body too much. He swallowed once again as he heard the reindeer’s voice again, this time not directed at him. Zoro wasn’t sure what was said, but he had a pretty clear guess when Franky showed up shortly after. The look of fear in his eyes reflected the tightness in his chest.

He could only watch, in petrified shock, as the chef was hefted from on top of him. He didn’t even move as the cyborg pried him away. As the weight was removed, a new wave of pain came over him. He felt a few bones shift and he gasped in a sharp breath. Before he knew it, he, too, was being lifted to his feet. He bared his teeth as the world tilted...or maybe it was the ship lurching again. Zoro could only assume it was Chopper helping him if the soft sensation against his side was anything to go by.

All he could remember doing was stumbling with the motion, going where he was lead. His eye stayed glued to Franky the whole time, never blinking, never wanting to lose sight. Sanji’s head lolled to the side, bouncing slightly with every dip. He wasn’t focused on his own discomfort until the two of them disappeared behind the door and his vision chose that moment to blur and his step to falter.

“Almost there,” Chopper assured.

Zoro barely heard the small reindeer, hardly cared. His head dropped, eye falling to look at his chest...covered with blood. A crimson liquid that didn’t belong to him. Nausea quelled at the sight and he had to force himself to look back up.

As they neared the door, Franky soon passed them by, knowing he was needed on deck more than anywhere else. When they crossed the threshold, the swordsman was positive he was seconds from hurling now. The cyborg had the courtesy and common sense to place the chef face down, even turned his head to the side. However, this only made the damage to his back all the more painfully obvious. Already, red was staining the sheets around him.

Breath catching, Zoro pulled himself away from Chopper’s human form. “Go,” he muttered, but he couldn’t be sure if the word actually produced a sound.

Though, the doctor didn’t need to be told, in an instant, he left Zoro’s side and was at Sanji’s. Everything happened in a blur, and if it weren’t for the chair, luckily nearby, the swordsman would have already collapsed on the floor. Even as he paced around the room, busying himself with this and that, Chopper looked to be on the verge of tears. And as skilled as he was, Zoro could clearly see his hooves trembling as they carefully began removing the splinters. Most came out with ease, with little bleeding. But, when the last, troubling one remained, he paused.

“Zoro…” he muttered, voice quiet, fighting the temptation to break. “I need your help.”

Despite his protesting body, the swordsman wasted no time in closing the short distance, injuries momentarily forgotten. The moment he was less than a foot from the chef’s form, he finally got a real glimpse at him.

_This couldn’t be real._

_This had to be a nightmare._

He didn't know which was worse: seeing someone usually so composed in such a state, or knowing he was in such a state because Sanji _protecting _him.

“Fuck…” The word escaped of its own volition. His right side was pierced, and he had no idea how deep it went through.

Chopper either didn’t hear him or didn’t pay him any mind. “I need to remove this one carefully, th-there’s likely internal injuries,” he informed, his voice betraying just how much his nerves were playing with him. “Grab that cloth,” he instructed, nodding to his left, “and keep as much pressure on the wound as you can until I finish with this.”

Zoro swallowed the clump of nausea and nodded once before plucking and holding the rag right at the base of the chunk of wood. The moment the object was shifted, fresh blood bubbled to the surface and nothing more than a soft groan sounded from the still form. The swordsman pressed his lips tightly together and began to carry out his task. His heart thrummed, but his breath abandoned him. With a few seconds passing them by, the cloth quickly soaked through until crimson could be seen gushing between his fingers.

His lungs fell back under his control as he gasped, Sanji’s body weakly jolting beneath his touch. Why couldn’t this go any faster? Just how damn long was this going to take? He was unaware of his teeth sinking into his bottom lip until the flavor of copper rushed over his tongue, mixing sickeningly with the bitterness.

At some point, he had to close his eye, but the image remained printed on the backs of his eyelids. And the warmth enveloping his hands beckoned the burning to return to the base of his throat.

_Hurry up _.

At last, the piece of railing was removed in full, and with it brought a fresh bloom of blood. It was a lot...too much. Zoro tried desperately to keep his hands over the wound, but deep down, he knew the man had already lost more than he felt comfortable with. He risked a glance to Sanji’s face, and just as he expected...dangerously pale.

And where the hell did Chopper go?

Zoro glanced behind him, chest constricting as his hands continued to act as a dam - albeit an overflowing one - as he searched for the reindeer. It only took a few seconds for him to spot Chopper, digging around. Before he had the chance to ask any questions, the doctor came trotting back, bags of blood in his arms, cradled.

As soon as he had the transfusion started, he less than gently took Zoro’s spot.

“If you’re fine for the time being, I think you should help out there,” Chopper muttered, almost inaudibly. “I-I need space to work, and they need all the hands they can get.” Still, moisture could be seen veiling his eyes. He never looked away, and Zoro could see the trembling in his arms never subsided. In fact, it seemed to have gotten worse.

“No,” he didn’t know why it slipped out, he wasn’t even thinking of saying it. But, as it found its way out, his attention was back on Sanji. “I’m staying here, you need help here as well. They can handle it outside.”

Chopper only filtered for a second. He didn’t answer right away, but his hesitation was all the proof Zoro needed to see he wasn’t wrong.

“What do you need me to do?”


	2. A Sign At Last

He didn’t know when the storm died down, and he was even more lost on when morning came around. Zoro couldn’t even be sure it was even the next day. Everything still felt like a dream to him. He sat, hunched over, exhausted and in a partial daze. Hands were clasped between his knees and his head hung low to stare at them. The swordsman took a deep, shuddering breath as he finally lifted his head, tilting it back enough to gaze up at the ceiling. He then huffed it back out with a dry, humorless chuckle.

“You should go get some rest.”

The swordsman never averted his attention, didn’t bother answering either. It’s not that he didn’t want to, but his body refused to move. It was like the events of the night prior had completely bled him dry of energy, emotion, everything.

He heard a deep sigh of defeat. “If you won’t leave, then will you at least let me look at your injuries?” Chopper pleaded, eyeing the wound on the man’s shoulder.

With a slow exhale, he merely relaxed as much as he dared, the softening of his expression a sign that it was fine. Slowly, his head lowered and his gaze landed on the blond, lying motionless on the bed just a few feet away. His face an almost ashen shade and he felt queasy again.

However, his eye traveled, and he focused on the slight, very subtle, rise and fall of his chest. It barely moved, and his own breath caught every time he exhaled. Unconsciously, he occasionally held it until he saw Sanji taking in another shallow breath. Zoro only flinched every now and then as Chopper got to work on him, poking and prodding. When the doctor got to his ribs, that’s when he finally let his discomfort known with pained, stifled growl. He winced, eye squeezing shut.

The reindeer didn’t let up as he examined the rest. Zoro tried his best to pay attention to what the other was doing, to listen to him, but his mind kept drifting back to the words he had spoken just before daybreak.

_There’s not much more I can do._

_He has a bit of internal bleeding._

_The rest is up to him._

One after another, they all filtered through his ears, going in circles, in one ear, out the other, and back through the first. To be honest, those were the only things he remembered hearing all night. The rest was nothing but imagery; pictures that refused to give him peace even when he closed his eye.

Sanji hadn’t said a single word since yesterday, he hasn’t even opened his eyes a sliver. Not a single, minute sign of the man waking up any time soon. Why did the damn idiot feel the need to get in the way all the time, why did he always have to interject in everything? First there was the incident at Thriller Bark, which Zoro had thankfully prevented. And now this. The shithead must have had a death wish or something. This was the second time the blond had put his life on the line for his sake.

And it disgusted him.

Zoro’s hands gripped at his knees. Just who did he think he was? He could feel his face heating up and his pulse quickening the more he thought about it. With his mind buzzing, he didn’t know Chopper was finished until the reindeer moved into his view as he strolled over to check on the other once again. Just like the previous 50 times, he checked his pulse, breathing and wounds. When he turned enough for Zoro to see his face, the lump in his throat thickened.

“Nothing’s changed, huh?”

Their doctor only let out a weary sigh as he changed the cloth on Sanji’s forehead. Even though there really wasn’t anything else he could do for the man, he still fiddled with things, hovered and just overall stayed within a couple feet of him. If the swordsman didn’t know better, he’d think Chopper feared the same as he did; that being that the next breath would be his last. Zoro knew he had to be exhausted as well.

With a deep breath, he pulled his kimono back over his shoulder. “I think you’re the one that needs to get some rest,” he muttered, pushing himself to his feet. “Like you said, nothing else you can do, right? I’ll stay here and get you if anything changes.”

The younger crewmate was reluctant, on the verge of declining, really. But, as he stole another glance towards the blond, he finally let his shoulders slump. As if on cue, his eyes moistened and he sniffed a couple of times before swiping the back of his hoof over his nose.

“Come on,” the larger man muttered, leaning just enough to place a hand on Chopper’s back. Slowly, he lead the doctor away, which occasionally took an extra push; both figuratively and literally.

“You’ll get me...i-if anything happens?”

Zoro nodded with a grunt. “Yeah, not to worry. I won’t let anything happen, now go get some sleep so you can be of use when he wakes up.”

Still, it took another few minutes before Chopper finally, albeit gradually, departed and left the room to its deathly silence. The swordsman could hear his own light breaths, and somewhere in the back, somewhat make out those slower, labored ones. Slowly, he turned back around and dragged his chair closer to the point where he was right beside the bed. He dropped himself into it with a weighted exhale and folded his hands back in his lap.

“What the hell were you thinking?” he asked lowly. His eye rested on the cook’s almost translucent features; there was no reaction. Not even so much as a twitch or hitch in breath. It really was like he was…

Zoro cleared his throat and shook his head. It wasn’t like him to be thinking like that, to be worrying like that. Now he was starting to piss himself off, and it was all Sanji’s fault. Therefore, it was technically Sanji’s fault. Well, of course it was his fault, he was the sole one to blame for him being in this situation now. “You know, no one asked you to get in the damn way. I already told you before, I’m gonna kill you, so you need to stop trying to beat me to it.”

He paused when he heard his words ring in his ears, and only that.

“You gonna answer me or just let me keep talking to myself like some sort of idiot?” He crossed his arms and waited for a response he knew damn well wasn’t coming anytime soon. “Fine…” he breathed out, “have it your way.”

He didn’t know how long he sat there, could have been mere minutes, or could have been hours. It was as if time was standing still; the only indication that it was still flowing being the shifting of natural light through the window. Sanji’s breath remained the same, aside from the occasional, damn near frightening delay. Without thinking, his hand moved on its own and he wrapped callused fingers around the cook’s wrist. His thumb pressed against the underside, seeking out the erratic pulse.

It was so faint, but at least it was still there. He glanced down, almost flinching as he saw a bit of dried blood under his nails. Zoro shifted his fingers just enough to hide them. It wasn’t until then he could make out the slight chill that throbbed through the blond’s veins. The sensation hollowed his core.

The swordsman was broken from his thoughts as the familiar ‘tap’ of hooves drew closer just outside the door.

“Anything?”

The question reached him before the reindeer could. His voice still sounded slightly haggard, and he could only assume the doctor didn’t exactly have a restful sleep.

Zoro didn’t bother answering, it was obvious enough - unfortunately. His heart sank, though, when Chopper huffed out a worrisome sigh: “It’s already been almost a day,” he muttered. He quickly closed the distance between himself and Sanji and carried out his same routine. The doctor didn’t glance back as he ordered, this time, “Go get some sleep. And it’s not a suggestion,” he added before the protesting could begin.

The larger man let out a grunt and got to his feet. “Yeah, yeah,” he mumbled, but still stood for a few seconds more. His legs weren’t wanting to cooperate with him. Like lead, they refused to move. He didn’t budge an inch until he felt a light pressure on his lower leg as Chopper began trying to push him toward the door.

“I’m going,” he muttered, sharply as he turned on his heel. The sudden movement almost caused the reindeer to topple over.

Zoro dragged his legs, every step heavy and numb. Even as the door fell closed behind him, his mind lagged behind. He raised his attention and slowly scanned the deck. It was a damn mess. Most of the others were bustling about, cleaning and straightening. But then he looked to their faces, finding an expression on each that matched the way he felt. A couple of them - Nami and Usopp - glanced his way for a few uncomfortable seconds, as if tempted to ask questions. The look in his eye must have been enough to sway their curiosity.

Despite all the moving about, it was eerily quiet. No one spoke. The swordsman caught them occasionally cutting their eyes in a certain direction. He swallowed thickly when he found what had their interest and he swallowed sickly. A crimson stain, wide and fairly new, decorated the deck. It trailed, and he followed the path as it lead right between his feet.

He blinked, wincing as stark red flashed behind his eyelids and a hand flew to his chest. Fingers grasped, tips of them glancing over crusted blood. He instantly dropped his arm back to his side, and without another moment’s hesitation, sauntered towards the kitchen. He didn’t pause, he didn’t look around; his stare stayed locked to his feet as he strolled through and went right for the mop and bucket. Zoro was back out in an instant, mind in a frenzy as he - rather hastily - started swiping the mop over the stain. Already, palms stung with the force he gripped it with.

Back and forth without breaking his rhythm. He could feel eyes on him, but he greeted none of them

“Dammit,” he seethed between grit teeth. “Come on!” his voice raised as he watched the stain only slightly fade. Why the hell wasn’t it coming off!? Hands tightening around the handle, he pulled the mop back before bringing it right back down. Vibrations ran through his arms as the wood splintered, sending shards of mop in all directions. Shakily, Zoro ran a hand through his hair, hissing when the motion brought forth a stinging sensation. Carefully, he pulled his hand away, just then noticing the small splinters embedded.

The swordsman was ripped from his reverie by a grasp on his uninjured shoulder. He didn’t look back, he didn’t acknowledge his captain’s presence.

“Zoro…” he said after a moment.

Whatever Luffy was going to say next was abandoned when the swordsman shook his hand off and discarded what was left of the mop to the floor.

“I’m going to take a nap,” he mumbled, practically shoving past the other man on his way by. He could still sense the others looking at him, and he honestly just wished they would all learn how to mind their damn business. This may or may not have fueled his need to slam the door behind him.

Now, in the quiet, he realized how heavy his breaths were. His mouth was dry, and again, that weighed sensation washed through his limbs. He could feel his hands tremble slightly, barely.

“Get ahold of yourself,” he whispered, pressing his forehead into his hand, momentarily forgetting the splinters planted. He hissed, and only let up a small amount. Zoro forced his lungs to take in a deep breath and hold it for a few seconds before he allowed them relief. He was just tired, he hadn’t slept in over 24 hours. Emotions were running high and it was preventing him from thinking clearly or rationally.

He pinched the bridge of his nose, feeling the beginnings of a headache creeping up uninvited. Just what he needed right now to top it all off. Like a bag of bricks, he fell onto his cot, not moving from the position he landed in. He ignored how the less than graceful action caused the pain in his ribs to flare.

Zoro wrapped one arm around himself and allowed his eye to slide shut. For a while, sleep avoided him, only showing up occasionally to tease him cruelly. He could feel himself dozing every few minutes, but every time, he ended the same - with him jolting back into full wakefulness, heart hammering and chest painfully constricted.

He turned to his other side, to face the wall.

Slowly, his body began to finally relax and his breathing gradually evened out. Thankfully, along with it came the temporary bliss, a peace he knew wouldn’t last long enough. But he would relish in it while it lasted.

_It was finally quiet._

_His head was finally clear, devoid of worry - free of its uncertainties._

_Zoro focused on the softness of the sheets and the hushed crashing of the waves on the sides of the ship. He relied on his senses of the familiar serve as his guide. It was reassuring, and it was normal, as things should be._

_The man lied there still, so relaxed he could feel himself sinking into the linens. They enveloped him, embraced him. It was so welcoming, so needed - craved. He wished to stay the-_

_‘Sanji!’_

_Zoro’s brows knit and he inhaled sharply. His breath cut its way down his windpipe where it latched on, digging into the sides and sticling. There was a damp warmth that soaked into the sheets. There was a whimper. He had no way of telling who it belonged to. He shifted, and as he did so, the warmth spread, coating his hands now. He could feel it, slick between his fingers. He knew what this was, he’s felt it enough times to know._

_Blood._

_He could smell the metallic scent. It was so strong. And then again, a cry:_

_‘Sanji!”_

Zoro’s eye snapped open, and he shot upright. His chest heaved as a drop of sweat trickled down the side of his neck. Fingers were gripping the sheets in a vice-like grip, trembling. Breaths raked over his lips as he stared down, actually surprised to see the bed completely clean - not a drop of crimson in sight.

‘It was just a dream,’ he told himself, tilting his head back with a forced exhale. His heart rate was so strong, he could actually feel it shifting his fractured ribs. Blood rushed in his ears, and he knew he had to get some fresh air.

In less than a second, the cover was thrown to the side and he was on his feet. It was then he picked up on others breathing.

Just how long was he asleep?

His question didn’t linger for long when he pushed the door open and was met with the crisp, night breeze. A shiver ran through him as a sense of deja vu sent a tingle down his spine. He had no idea how long he stood there, waiting and expecting for the wind to pick up, for the waves to grow. But, nothing happened; he was just standing there, staring at nothing.

After another moment, his attention was naturally pulled back to that spot. Fortunately, it remained hidden in the presence of the new moon. Next thing on his list of priorities then. Zoro returned to the infirmary, walked in without a second thought.

“How is he?” he asked, hoping he was the only one that heard the concern in his voice. It was a short distance, and yet, somehow he was breathless.

Before Chopper could reply, the swordsman scanned the blond over. One one hand, he was relieved to see some color in his features finally. But, on the other, his heart dropped to see it was a contrasting red, highlighting his cheekbones.

“He woke up earlier, briefly,” the reindeer finally said. For something that should have been good news, his voice carried a tone of discouragement. “He’s running a high fever now. He hasn’t been awake again since then and it’s been five hours.” His words came out steadily, like he was reading from a script. His voice was hoarse, and yet, there were no tears. However, the redness and puffiness of his eyes were a dead giveaway. “Zoro…” he said quietly. It was almost unheard. Chopper finally looked at the man. “I-I don’t know...what else to d-do.”

Silence.

Zoro grew cold, hairs on the back of his neck stood on end and he momentarily forgot how to breathe.

“What do you mean?” he whispered.

Chopper didn’t reply.

“What do you mean!?” Zoro demanded, inquiry accentuated by a loud ‘bang’ as his fist slammed against the nearest wall. As soon as he did, Chopper flinched, a slight whine, and his anger was washed away by regret. “Dammit,” he growled under his breath. “Have you left since this morning?” he asked, noticing the dark crescents.

The reindeer shook his head slowly.

The swordsman took a breath and stepped closer, pulling his hand from the wall. A few white chunks crumbled from the disturbance. “Well, sitting in here for hours on end can’t be helping. Want me to take over again?”

“No.”

Zoro scratched the back of his head with a ‘tch’. Such a stubborn ass. “Maybe go for a walk or something, clear your mind. Sitting there and sulking about what you can’t do isn’t going to miraculously help him.” His words stung a little on the way out, but maybe Chopper needed a bit of reality right now. “Go take a break, the idiot isn’t going anywhere.”

He could only assume the younger was on the brink of tears again because he got up without a single word. Zoro was surprised he actually listened. As relieved as he was though, he couldn’t help the rush of hurt from that insinuation.

And, just like that, it was only the two of them once again. Just the same as the previous day. The only difference now being Sanji’s breaths more labored than they had been. His inhales sounded borderline pained; they matched his strained expression. Lines of discomfort outlined his features and his lips parted just enough to draw in a gasp.

_A gasp._

Instantly, Zoro was sitting in the chair, pulled close to the bed as his hands seeked and grabbed one of the blond’s. He felt fingers twitch in his palm.

“H-Hey,” he stammered, mouth dry. “You damn dumbass, it’s about fucking time.” His pitch contrasted highly with his words. There was a small pull at the corner of his mouth before a small, relieved and nervous chuckle escaped. Zoro looked to the man’s gaze. Barely, he could make out a sliver of blue. It was unfocused, clouded, but he could see it.

The cook let out a distressed whimper, a sound so unbecoming of him. His eye squeezed right back shut and he gasped again, this time clearly out of agony.

“I-I’ll be right back, I’ll get Chopper,” Zoro muttered, on his feet in a flash. He went to take a step, but the colder-than-it-should-have-been hand was still clinging to his. “You have to let go.”

Sanji didn’t reply. He just continued to take shallow, forced inhales. Right as Zoro opened his mouth to say something else, the blond pried his eye back open.

“P-Please…’ he rasped. “I...d-don’t want to be...left alone again.” The swordsman inwardly flinched at the unmistakable _fear _in his request. “Don’t leave me al-one.” Zoro heard the thick swallow followed by his shuddering exhale. He could practically _hear _the breath rattle up his windpipe.

“It will only be for a momen-”

“Mom.” Zoro’s blood froze; he choked mid-sentence as his lungs felt as though they were collapsing. “P-Please…”


	3. Can't Be Reality

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has a song to go along with it.
> 
> "Saturn" by: Sleeping At Last

D-Did he hear that right?

“M-Mom?” Zoro questioned, a mix of confusion and dread.

Sanji hissed, his hand finally losing its hold. A shiver wracked his body and his eye slowly opened, this time with a bit more clarity. He shifted with a wince, his gaze flicking to the swordsman. “The hell...you want?” he muttered.

The larger man couldn’t respond, he couldn’t find the words, or even his voice for that matter. He was still in some sort of state of shock. Maybe he really did just hear wrong. “W-What do you remember?” he asked without a single coherent thought.

He planted himself right back down, Chopper could wait. Right now, he didn’t know why, but he had to hear the man talk, had to hear he was fine from his own mouth. Had to make sure this wasn’t another dream.

Sanji just groaned in displeasure. He shuddered again and Zoro noticed his hand weakly grasp at the sheets out of the corner of his eye.

“It ‘h’rts,” he mumbled under his breath.

“Sanji,” Zoro said with more volume. To his surprise, the man jumped, startled. “What do you remember?”

A flash of confusion crossed his features. “Umm,” he hummed turning his head enough to stare up at the ceiling. “Som’one calling me…” he rasped with another tremble. “Pain...darkness. And…” he closed his eye tight in thought. “And...you; you were there...somewhere.”

The swordsman slipped a hand over the blond’s and leaned in. “I have another question for you, and I want you to answer honestly.” He waited until Sanji was looking at him with some sense of clarity in his stare. “Why? Why did you do it?”

The cook blinked sluggishly. “D’what?”

Zoro’s teeth unintentionally grit. “You know damn well what. Why did you save me? Why the hell did you take the hit? Why the _fuck _did you think I needed or even wanted you to risk your own life for me!?” He didn’t realize how loud his voice had grown until his throat burned. Though, that didn’t explain why his eye stung at the corner. “I never asked you to do something so godd-amn stupid.”

Again, the chef appeared perplexed, and Zoro gave him a moment as memories slowly pieced themselves together. He could see them falling into place in the blue orb.

“I dunno,” he answered simply with a half shrug.

Zoro scoffed. Right.

“I jus’ did.”

The swordsman could only laugh light-heartedly in disbelief. “Just...don’t make a habit out of it, got it? I don’t need you gettin’ in the way.” Though, he knew as well as Sanji did that if not for him, their positions would have likely been reversed. “You nearly gave us all a heart attack and almost gave Chopper a mental breakdown.”

The other barely smiled at that. “Tell’em I said sorry ‘bout that.”

“You can tell him yourself when I get him,” Zoro said, making a move to get back up.

“Not yet,” the blond blurted out. His eyes was wide, panicked. “Just, wait a little while longer,” he pleaded quieter.

He didn’t understand what had him so afraid, but Zoro nodded and gave the man what he wanted. “Alright, calm down. But sooner or later I’m going to have to go get him.”

“I know...just, not now.” Without moving his head, Sanji shifted his hand, and it was painfully obvious what he wanted. Rolling his eyes, Zoro reached for it and placed it back between his own. “Not now.”

“I get it,” the swordsman sighed.

Sanji took a deep breath; it raked against his dry throat and he turned his head toward the wall. Zoro wasn’t sure, but he was positive he heard some noise resembling a stifled sob. “I-I...I didn’t want…” he broke off to try and compose himself, with little success. “I did it because...I didn’t want you...to die.”

“What?” He didn’t think he said that out loud.

“I didn’t...want you to die,” Sanji repeated in a low voice. With more lucidity than Zoro’s seen in his expression since he woke up, the blond looked back towards him, looking right in his eye. “I couldn’t bare the thought of it...even if it wouldn’t have k-killed you. ...I jus’...I…”

Zoro gave his hand a firm squeeze. Lightly, he teased, “Funny, from the looks of it, I could have handled it better.”

The blond didn’t reflect his humor. Yet, he offered a small smile regardless. His burst of strength was already starting to wane. He relaxed into the sheets and his fingers tightened around the swordsman’s hand.

“I didn’t wanna see you get hurt.”

The larger man’s heart murmured.

_Only physically._

“It’s not that I don’t appreciate it…” he assured. “But I still think you’re a damn idiot for doing it.” Now it was his turn to break out of his boundaries. “Just for the record...it’s not easy seeing you...be like that,” he muttered, gesturing with his free hand.

This time, Sanji only grunted, his eye already closed again, breaths separated by too-long pauses. But, his grasp remained strong.

“‘M’tired.”

Slowly, Zoro nodded in understanding. “I don’t doubt it. Get some more rest. I promise, I’ll still be here when you wake up.”

He wasn’t sure if his words reached the blond’s ears in time. It didn’t matter though, he already decided he’d stay right there. Sanji had woken up and spoke, completely aware of his surroundings. It was more than he could have expected or even hoped for. Finally, he could let out a sigh of relief as his shoulders relaxed. Rolling them back, he yawned deeply. He wasn’t sure how restful his sleep actually was, but it felt like he didn’t get a single wink.

Wearily, he placed his other hand over Sanji’s paler one and carefully leaned forward until his head was resting on the mattress. It wasn’t the most comfortable, but it wasn’t the worst. With his worry dismissed, the full extent of his exhaustion rushed forward. As he drifted off, he still kept a thumb pressed against the cook’s wrist and breathed in time with his pulse.

* * *

_He could feel the rays of the sun raining down on him; so warm. For the first time in ages, Zoro felt, dare he say, content. Everything was ideal, the temperature, his position and gentle breeze and rolling of the waves. Every single aspect was perfect, aside for…_

_It was quiet._

_Dead silence was all he was surrounded with. Aside from the natural sounds of the sea, there was absolutely nothing. It was nerve-wracking, in a strange way._

_Zoro peeked an eye open, and was instantly drawn in to just how blue and clear the sky was. He felt a nagging need to check things out, but he was too damn comfortable to really want to move an inch. His limbs were heavy, but not in a cumbersome way. His entire body, mind as well, craved to remain how it was._

_He took a deep breath and closed his eye back. For a while, he just lied there, relishing in the seabreeze for as long as he was able to take advantage of it. However, despite having just blinked, it felt as though hours had past. When he looked back to the sky, the blue had darkened, and the breeze had progressed into something more sinister. It now ruffled his hair and jingled his earrings._

_He slowly sat up. His body practically moved on its own while he glanced around. With another gust of wind, he shivered and wrapped his arms around himself. Damn, it was getting colder. But, one closer look explained why. The sun was almost completely blocked out now._

_“Z-Zoro?”_

_The swordsman jumped slightly, head instantly jerking in the direction of the voice. There was a rush of chilled air out of his throat as he looked to Sanji, just a few feet away. He was standing, attention straight up at the still thickening clouds. Zoro said nothing as he watched the blond, features pale. The temperature was still dropping by the second._

_“Zoro,” he repeated, slowly, turning his head, “I don’t want you to die.”_

* * *

Zoro didn’t know what woke him, whether it was the light spilling in and piercing through his eyelids or the, the racing of his heart and cold sweat drenching him, or the...chill of…

His eye snapped open, vision instantly clear. He stared forward, gazing unblinking at their hands, still clasped over one another. His thumb was still touching the man’s wrist, and Sanji’s hand was still between both of his. But…

His hand was so cold.

He couldn’t...couldn’t feel-

He felt sick; he couldn’t move.

_This had to still be a dream._

“S-Sanji…?” he whispered, hand trembling as his grasp loosened. He swallowed down a suffocating lump, gagging as it forced its way down. Zoro continued to stare, if looked as though he were gazing through an opaque window.

How long had he been staying like that now?

Zoro finally blinked, and with it came a slight burning sensation in the corner of his eye. His vision was blurred. The uncomfortable, damn near caustic, throbbing in his chest gave way to the fact that this was too real to be a dream. Realizing this, his fingers returned to their former grip and he finally found the will to sit up. He hesitated looking anywhere else though; he didn’t know if he really wanted to.

Holding his breath, he closed his eye for only a couple seconds and then slowly turned his head. Even still, he kept it closed for a little while more. It took him a moment to well up the courage to finally pry his eyelid open. When he did, nothing really registered at first.

The blond’s face was relaxed.

There was no pain written across it. As sickening as it made him feel, Zoro was almost relieved to see such an expression of peace. However, that thought was swiftly torn away as the chill crept back into his fingers. They tightened around the cook’s hand...slightly tense.

“H-Hey...Sanji?” he tried again, finding his voice at last. It was audible, albeit reserved, strained and pitched in a way that was unlike him. “Hey, don’t you dare fucking ignore me!” He took one of his hands away in order to grab the collar and yanked the man’s upper body towards him. His skin crawled the way his blond mop of a head only fell back with the force of the movement. “You dumbass!” Zoro pulled his other hand away, and without pause, struck it across the cook’s face, instantly causing it to turn to the side.

Not so much as a sigh passed over Sanji’s lips.

Zoro’s hand shook, he could feel his nails digging into his palms even through the material.

Teeth grit, the swordsman let out one last “Dammit!” before shoving, none too gently, Sanji back against the pillow. In the next second, he was on his feet, practically stomping away, both hands raking at his scalp.

He refused to believe this was real, this was Sanji, there was no way…

“Chopper!” the swordsman cried out, not caring about the cracking in his voice, or the desperation it carried.

_Dammit!_

“Chopper!” he called again, throat burning. He felt light-headed, nauseous and like all his insides were imploding in on themselves. “Chopper! Chopp-!”

He choked back a sob. His breaths were starting to come out in quick, shallow pants. He didn’t understand. The idiot was alive just a few hours ago. He was _just _talking to him, answering him, completely aware of his surroundings. This didn’t make any fucking sense. He couldn’t breathe anymore, air was refusing to fill his lungs. Hell, even his legs were quickly losing their strength.

Zoro dropped to his knees, face dropping until his chin nearly touched his chest. His hands were clenched, enough so until he could feel his fingernails drawing blood. Over his own heavy exhales - and light whimpers - he could barely make out the sound of nearing, tapping steps.

* * *

_Knock._

Why couldn’t they just go away?

_Knock._

He took another swig from his sake bottle, taking in a generous mouthful. It was almost flavorless. The burn from it had dulled about a day ago.

_Knock._

“Zoro?” It was Nami again. Of course it was, who else would be that damn annoyingly persistent? “Come on, it’s been three days. Are you ever going to come out or at least unlock the door?”

He didn’t reply. He just sat there, back still pressed against the wall, arms resting on his drawn knees as he stared off at nothing. When would she take the damn hint that he wanted to be alone right now?

“Don’t you at least want to eat something?”

He wasn’t hungry. The swordsman drew in a long breath and slowly leaned his head back until it, too, thumped against the wall. There was no doubt a bruise starting to form back there. If not, then there was definitely going to be soon. He closed his eye as there was one last, loud and resounding _knock._

Faintly, he heard, “You can’t stay in there forever...and Sanji wouldn-”

He was on his feet before he could stop himself. His steps fell heavy on the wooden boards, and the next thing he knew, he was practically ripping the door off its hinges. The moment he stood in the doorway and stared down at the navigator, she cut herself off with a slight flinch. He didn’t even realize how tightly he was gripping the bottle until he heard it shatter against his palm.

“Z-Zoro…” she muttered, uncertainty. She could _smell _the reek of alcohol wafting off him. He watched her gaze flick from his face to his hand that clutched the doorframe. “You should really come out now. ...Everyone is worried.”

He took a deep breath, and for the first time in what felt like forever, he opened his mouth. “Just go the hell away,” he mumbled, monotonously. Before she could say anything else, he slammed the door back. It was a miracle it could still do that with the damage it sustained. It didn’t take long until he heard steps finally travel in the opposite direction.

He was sick of them barging up all the time.

It was always the same shit.

_We’re worried._

_This isn’t good for you._

_San- _He _wouldn’t want this._

Zoro scoffed, dropping back to the place he’s sat for who knew how long now. He just now felt the sting in his hand. But, instead of inspecting what he was sure were minor cuts, he plucked another bottle from beside him and popped it open.

His ribs were throbbing, and so far no amount of liquor was able to numb it. There was a feeling - a certainty - that the pain wasn’t from the broken bones. His other hand lifted to clutch uselessly at his chest. With a low swear, he tossed his head back again.

‘ _I didn’t...want you to die. _’

He thumped his head back again.

‘ _I didn’t wanna see you get hurt. _’

And again.

He was a goddamn idiot. A fucking, good-for nothing and _useless _dumbass. He did this to himself; it was no one's fault but his own. That man was to blame and he himself.

Fingers pulled painfully at his hair as he leaned his forehead to his hand. Slowly, the bottle of sake was lowed until there was a light ‘thud’ as it was placed on the floor. Damn, he was exhausted. His hand and arm trembled as they struggled to even hold up the weight of his head. When the hell did he get so weak? He couldn’t help but chuckle bitterly to himself. It was almost bordering on demeaning.

Honestly, if Sanji saw him no-

And just like that, the humorless sound died off. With a deep, burning breath, the man pushed himself to his feet, swaying only slightly as he steadied. The sake was left where it was. Instead, his hand found something else to occupy itself with - the wall.

For about a minute, he stood there and stared into the darkness. Not a single shred of light came through.

_‘What are you doing?’_

The swordsman’s head snapped up. He blinked heavily and glanced around. He knew the room was empty, it’s been empty for days. There was no one else there...but he was sure he heard…

He shook his head, regretting it instantly as the jostling didn’t agree with any part of him.

He grit his teeth until the wave of nausea passed. He didn’t really drink that much, did he? But, one step was all the answer he needed as a cacophony of ‘clinks’ echoed off the walls. His eyes barely glanced, and as dark as it was he was able to make out the various bottles that littered the floor.

Sighing heavily, Zoro pushed them aside with his feet and dragged himself to the door, hand against the wall for support the whole time. This was far harder than it should have been.

Eventually, he reached it and paused less than a foot from it. He waited, listened. When nothing but silence reached him, he pushed the door open. It barely creaked an inch before it finally fell from its hinges. He couldn’t be bothered and merely stepped over it. Zoro glanced up at the sky and instantly winced. Nothing but the moon resided there, but somehow it was still far too bright for his liking.

He really didn’t want to take another step; he just wanted to turn back and stay there, hidden away where he knew he wouldn’t be barraged with questions and ‘concern’. Still, he forced himself to step onto the deck, eyes avoiding that spot. It was clean, not a speck left, but…

The swordsman’s eye wandered to the kitchen, light peeking through the window.

No, not there.

His jaw locked and he took another look around. There wasn’t really anywhere else he wanted to go. Running his hand along the back of his neck, he just realized how slick with sweat it was. He supposed a shower wouldn’t hurt. He hadn’t had one since...well, a while.

It felt like an eternity before he reached his destination. He hardly remembered the trip, nothing but a dazed memory that was already fading from his mind. Zoro fumbled with the knobs of the shower before he finally had it on full blast. Steam automatically filled the small room, and he wasted less time in stepping in.

The sensation was almost instantaneous. The relief, but also the dizziness that came with the heat. Deep down, though he wouldn’t admit it, he knew the intoxication wasn’t helping in the slightest. It was like an inferno, both inside and out. His head dropped, eye staring at his feet as he watched reddish brown streak as all the dried blood was cleansed from his body. It wasn’t until then that he became aware of the extra weight hanging from his shoulders.

Right…

He was still wearing his clothes. There was a small voice that told him to remove them, but he couldn’t bring himself to deal with it. He wasn’t planning on staying in there long anyway. Slowly, without his realizing, he began to tilt to the side. Zoro was only broken from his trance when his head, none too gently, collided with the wall.

The swordsman instantly winced and let out a muffled cry of pain. He rubbed the area, and already a small lump was starting to form. Then he became a tad confused.

When did the water get so cold?

Damn water heater must have been acting up. He’d just have to let Franky know about that later. Hastily, he turned the shower off, still ignoring the way his body protested with every minor movement he made.

He finally got out, annoyed that he barely felt a difference, except now he was soaking wet and his clothes were weighing him down. He was just more uncomfortable than he was before he got in. And the damn light-headedness was still overstaying its welcome. His legs were like lead and his body felt like it no longer belonged to him.

Zoro placed his hands on the edge of the sink and leaned over it. In the process, he managed to catch a glimpse of himself in the mirror. Slowly, sure he wouldn’t like the sight, he lifted his attention back up.

Just as he thought: he was pale, eyes dull with dark circles underneath. He hardly recognized himself. And, if he were being frank, he’d even go as far as to say he looked like pure shit. He ran a hand over his features and pushed himself away.

Guess it was time to go back to that godforsaken room.

He craved to go back, but at the same time, he dreaded doing so. Somehow, it had become his sanctuary as well as his cell. But, it was the only place where he could get the most peace, where he could actually spend alone. So lost in thought, he was brought back to the current time by a bump to his shoulder.

“O-Oh…” he muttered. He wanted to cringe at the raspiness of his voice.

Nami stared back at him, slightly in shock. Clearly she didn’t expect to see him there. “Sorry,” she whispered, turned back without hesitation. Before so, Zoro was certain he saw a flash of ... _fear, _perhaps, cross her eyes. That is, other than the red that rimmed them.

“Where are the others?” he asked.

For a moment, he wasn’t sure he was heard, but then, she stopped and folded her arms over her chest. Without looking back, all she answered with was, “Where do you think?”

His chest stung with the bite of her words.

“You know,” she started again, an icy tone he wasn’t unfamiliar with, “you’re not the only one grieving…”

His hands clenched at his sides and his jaw tightened. Of course he wasn’t! He knew damn well the others were hurt by this as well. It was just...that-

“I don’t remember seeing his blood on anyone else,” he seethed back, eye burning with what he assumed was fury.

He could see her shoulders trembling, fingers digging into her upper arms. Her hair swished like licking flames with the speed she turned around. Her mouth opened, but the moment she looked at him, she froze, face faltering. He was sure the rage in her eyes softened. What the hell was her problem?

Zoro scoffed, blinking as his eye continued to sting. Then his vision blurred, as if he were looking through-

His breath hitched with the sensation of something rolling down his cheek. His breath caught and his heart seemed to stop mid-beat. He brushed his finger across his cheekbone just as another tear spilled over.

For a second, he stared at the glistening liquid on his fingers and then swiftly balled his hand up, throwing it back down to his side.

“I need a drink,” he croaked out, head bowed until his whole face was hidden from woman’s view. As he passed by, he faintly felt the brush of a hand over his arm. If that was an attempt to get him to stop, it was a pathetic one.

He breathed deep, air shuddering all the way down to his lungs, and trembled on the way back out. Before even stepping into the kitchen, he could hear the lowered voices on the other side. The quiet nature of them was enough to cause an acidic flavor to coat his tongue. He swallowed his breath down and opened the door.

Instant silence.

The only thing he was able to catch was, “-can’t until he’s ready.” It was Chopper. His voice was strained, small, more so than usual.

They all paused to look at the larger man as he stood in the doorway. He met none of their gazes. He never looked towards any of them.

Not as he walked by them.

Not as his name was muttered.

And not when he heard someone come closer to him.

After grabbing a few more bottles of sake, he slowly turned back around. He knew his path would have been blocked by Chopper before even turning around.

“What?” His voice was hollow.

The reindeer appeared unsure of what he was about to say for a moment or two. Then, finally, he gathered the courage to look up at the swordsman. “Zoro, I know you’re upset, but...what you’re doing…” his wide eyes flickered to the bottles, “it’s not the right way to-”

“I don’t want to hear about ‘what the right way’ is,” he shot back, louder and sharper than intended. He tried to take a step around, and was shocked when the doctor moved to get in his way again. “What are you doing?” he asked, voice low again. The poison dripping from such a single question made the younger flinch, but he stood his ground.

“Zoro, you can’t keep blami-”

“I’m not fucking blaming myself!” he shouted. His voice bounced off the walls, and by some miracle, the already silent room turned deathly still. “Why would I think it’s my fault? I’m not the doctor of the ship! I’m not the one whose job it is to save people! I’m not the o-”

He didn’t know what happened. One second he was stood, staring at Chopper, the next...he was dazed, a pain radiating from his left cheek. Slowly, he sat up, hand pressed to the offended area. His eye cut to the side.

“That’s enough…” Luffy muttered, lowly. His head was slightly bowed, but Zoro could still make out the furrowing of his brows, the heaving of his chest and the tension in his jaw. His fist was still held in front of him, a thin trail of steam flowing from it. “I’ve heard enough…” Slowly, out of breath, their captain straightened up and lifted his head. “I don’t care how long you need to take to get over this, any of us. But, I’m not going listen to anyone stand by and blame others for this.”

Snapping back to his senses, Zoro looked to where Chopper was…

_Was._

Rubbing his cheek, the swordsman unsteadily got back to his feet. He staggered for a good few feet before he regained his balance. But that didn’t stop his vision from wavering. As if nothing happened, he reached down and scooped the sake back up, making sure to grab every last bottle. They shook in his arms, limbs that he could barely feel anymore.

He ignored the stares he was getting, the murmurs. He held the bottles tighter, until he was positive they were on the verge of shattering in his arms. Zoro would have walked faster, but if he picked up his speed, he knew for a fact he was going down. He was already tripping over his own feet every few yards. His teeth were sinking into his bottom lip by the time he was out the door. And by the time he was halfway across the deck, he was stumbling again, unable to right himself this time.

He went down... _hard. _However, he barely felt it. It was like he teleported there. And for a split second, he forget why he was there. That is, until he felt the cold wetness soak into the sleeve of his kimono and the sharp scent of alcohol registered in his nose.

His body acting on its own, he pulled himself until he leaned against the wooden wall. His eye scanned, catching sight of one of the few bottles still intact. There was zero hesitation in downing half the bottle in one swig. The rest was drained in the second. The moment the last drop was sliding down his throat, he chucked it, getting a loud ‘shatter’ in response.

Zoro’s breath lurched, something that was close to transforming into a gag.

‘ _The hell are you doing?’_

There was that damn voice again, itching in the back of his head. “Go away,” he muttered quietly.

‘ _You plan on drinking yourself to death, shithead?’_

He hated that he actually had to pause and think his response over. He felt disgusted with that hesitation. It was obvious...wasn’t it?

“...No.”

‘ _Bullshit, and we both know it.’_

Zoro scoffed, eye closed and head resting back. “What d’you know?” He still had no idea who or what he was talking to, but he still felt compelled to reply nonetheless. He hiccuped, cringing at the foul taste it left in his mouth. And it only managed to raise a fresh wave of nausea. “Fuck…”

‘ _Is this really how you plan to spend that spared life of yours? In a drunken, rage-induced stupor? I thought you were a dumbass before, but this is on a whole new level.’_

“Shut’up already will yo-? He snapped his eye open. He had to blink once...twice, to make sure he wasn’t seeing things. Zoro stared for a couple seconds, his mind filled with confusion, fear even. But, the one thing overriding both of those was a strange sense of...solace.

He could hear his gulp resonate in his ears. His heart...it was rebounding off the inside of his chest, causing whole body to quiver.

“S-Sanji?”


	4. Don't Throw It Away

Not trusting his legs at the moment, Zoro fell forward, on his hands and knees and pulled himself about a foot towards the blond.

“W-What’s going on?” he asked, no more than a husky whisper.

He couldn’t be sure if this was real or not. He’s been seeing the man a lot...but it was always in his dreams, when he knew it wasn’t real. This though, he knew he was awake, the pain was enough for him to be certain of that.

_This was real then._

Zoro half laughed, half sobbed as he let his head hang low, eye squeezed shut. “W-Where the hell have you been? Why…” He trailed off, clenching his teeth together. His throat constricted as he held back another sob.

He stiffened, something rested on his shoulder...but it wasn’t a hand.

Even more confused, the swordsman raised his head. It stung, it grieved him when he instead of the cook before him, he found Chopper. Even worse, the doctor had the nerve to look at him with worry in his eyes.

“What now?” Zoro muttered, letting his head fall back down. He lacked the strength to even try and hold it up. “Come to tell me how stupid I’m dealing with things? Or that you’re concerned, or some other shit that I’ve heard enough of?” Despite it all, his accusations no longer carried with them the bite they had just moments before.

There was a sniff followed by a slow, shuddering inhale.

“N-No…” the reindeer replied. Zoro didn’t look or move as he felt the other shift, the light thud indicating him taking a seat next to the swordsman. “I...I wanted to say that I’m...s-sorry.” Zoro still didn’t look over, he stayed exactly how he was. “T-There was nothing I could do. You’re right...I’m the doctor, and still...I-I couldn’t. ...I couldn’t save him. I’m so sorry, I...I wasn’t g-good enough.”

Zoro still said nothing. Everything hurt, everything was on fire and there was a bitter, foul taste in the back of his throat. A taste that increased as a painful cramp gripped at his insides.

It took him longer than it should have to realize what was really happening. But, but then, it was too late as he began retching, right there on the deck.

“Zoro!”

Chopper stood at a distance, hooves hovering until he was sure it was safe to step closer. It took a solid couple of minutes for the swordsman the finally stop dry heaving. It was odd, the reindeer didn’t think he’s ever seen him throw up before, or not from alcohol, that is.

“M’fine,” he croaked, sitting up enough to wipe his sleeve over his mouth. To Chopper’s utter belief, the man was actually reaching for another bottle.

“W-What are you doing!?”

Zoro didn’t answer as he popped the lid off and took a swift swallow, cringing at the taste that returned to him. Lowering it, he sat back, clumsily and spilling some sake in the process. “I...I need to, alright,” he half slurred, lifting the bottle again.

It was a shock to both of them, even Chopper when it was him smacking the bottle from Zoro’s hand. “I’m sorry about what happened…” he repeated, a bit more confidence to his tone, “but I’m still the ship’s doctor, and this is an order...stop drinking. You’ve had too much.” Zoro glanced up to see a shine to the other’s eyes. “Please...I don’t want to lose another.”

Even more surprising was the fact that he didn’t move a muscle, didn’t even try to retrieve it. In fact, he was beginning to look deathly pale aside from the tinge of red on his cheeks.

His breaths were coming out quick and shallow. Each inhale was like a dagger to his lungs and another to his stomach.

“Feel sick,” he muttered, seemingly out of it.

Before Chopper could reply, the man was listing to the side, visible eye rolling back. The last thing Zoro remembered was his own name being called, by a familiar voice, the one he craved more than anything in the world.

* * *

“ _Zoro?”_

_He stirred, releasing a groan as he did so. His head throbbed. Swam even. He was confused._

_“Zoro?”_

_And that voice, it wouldn't leave him alone. All he wanted to sleep. Couldn’t the understand he didn’t want to be bothered right now? His eyebrows knit as he felt a light tough brush over his left cheek._

_“Hey! Shithead!”_

_Zoro’s eye twitched at that, and he pried it open halfway. He was greeted with the curlybrow-adorned, unimpressed expression of the cook himself. “What do you want?” Zoro asked, letting his eyelid close right back. “You’re so damn annoying, can’t even nap without you butting in.” That being said, he turned to his side, away from the annoyance._

_A hand fell to his shoulder and practically forced him to flip back over. In was quite a bit of force, if he were being honest._

_Sanji took a long drag off his cigarette and then slowly blew out a steady stream of smoke. “Don’t ignore me, Moss Head.” Slowly, he lowered himself until he was sitting next to the swordsman. “I want you to shut up and listen to me for a change. I know it’s difficult for that thick skull of yours to allow you to do that, but try.”_

_The swordsman chose not to reply to that, but he could feel his brow twitch._

_“Do I have your attention? Good, now let’s try to keep it that way.” He pinched his cigarette, now burned down to just the butt. The blond plucked it from his lips and dropped it on the deck before sliding his heel over it and stamping it out. “Look, we all know you’re suicidal, bu-”_

_“You're one to talk…” Zoro muttered under his breath._

_“BUT…” Sanji bit out, followed by a short pause, “I didn’t save your shitty life just so you can throw it away like an ungrateful, snot-nosed brat.”_

_The swordsman took a deep breath. “I’m not-”_

_“I said I want you to ‘shut up’ and listen,” the cook less than kindly reminded. “You’re already pushing it with the whole ‘staying alive’ thing. You’re even too stupid to realize you’re almost killing yourself with that damn alcoholism of yours. Hell, I can still smell the stench on you. And when was the last time you actually _washed _yourself?”_

_A little self-conscious now, Zoro lifted his arm to take a sniff for himself, cringing slightly as he did so. “I’m fine, I don’t need, or want, someone like you lecturing me, got it?”_

_“Like I’ll believe that pile of shit.” He paused for a few seconds more, seemingly taking a moment to merely sit in the other’s presence. And, for a while, it was peaceful. There was no talking, only the comfort in knowing that the other was there._

_But then, Sanji had to talk again._

_“Zoro?”_

_“Hmm?”_

_“There’s only one more thing I want to ask of you.” When he didn’t get an answer right away, he took that as his cue to continue. “Can you, please, just wake up already?”_

_Zoro’s snapped his head in the chef’s direction. “What did you say?”_

_“Zoro?” He heard his name, but Sanji’s mouth didn’t move, and it wasn’t his voice. The swordsman furrowed his brow._

_Then, the blond spoke again, softly. “I told you to wake up, are you deaf now?”_

_“Zoro?” There was that disembodied voice again. He glanced around, but he saw no one else; it was just the two of them sitting there. But, unsurprisingly, he heard it again, and another time. Where the hell was it coming from. And, more importantly, just who…?_

_He turned back to the blond, question on the tip of his tongue, but it fell away the moment he found the spot next to him empty. “S-Sanji?” he asked, searching desperately only to not have the chef show up anywhere. And that damn voice was getting louder, more obnoxious as it now echoed off the inside of his very skull._

_Dammit, he was starting to feel nauseous now, his head was starting to throb and he was just overall beginning to get a feeling of discomfort roll over him. He felt heavier, groggy, like he was being pulled away to a place he’d really prefer not to go. But, it seemed as thought he really didn’t have a say in the matter._

* * *

It was slow - difficult - as Zoro eventually came to some of his senses. His mind was still foggy, and everything else remained muddled. He groaned as a dull throb shot through his head. Hissing, he raised a hand to press into his temple, then noticing the thick gauze that encased his palm.

“Fuck…” he muttered, tightly closing his eye back until the current of discomfort passed.

There was a shift to his right. “Zoro…” the pitched voice sighed in relief. “I was beginning to think…” Chopper trailed off. “You’ve been asleep for almost a day,” he opted for instead. “How do you feel?”

That was the real question, wasn’t it? The swordsman hummed again, lowering his hand to his side. How was he supposed to answer that? “Tired?” he tried, with a half-shrug. “Heavy and sick.” Not to mention that piquing headache, churning insides and muddled memory. But those he intentionally left out.

“I’d imagine so,” the doctor muttered, voice teetering on the edge between satisfaction and frustration. “You had...a lot to drink and not much to eat for a few days. To be honest, I’m surprised this didn’t happen sooner.” Zoro glanced over as he leaned over, hooves glanced over his form. “You really scared me out there. Don’t do it again!” he raised his voice. Zoro winced at the volume. It was like a spike directly to the back of his brain.

“Keep’it down,” he muttered, turning his head to hide at least one ear in the pillow.

Chopper didn’t look the least bit apologetic, but he at least did lower his tone a few notches. “Zoro...you know, if you need to…” he breathed deeply, clearly nervous. “If you need t-to talk...about anythi-”

“I told you, I’m fine.”

With that, the swordsman began to sit up, but had to pause part way up when dizziness tried its damnedest to persuade him back down.

That or it was the pressure on his chest that was shoving him back down. Maybe even both. He glanced over, finding Chopper in his ‘human’ form, both hooves placed over the center of his chest. He grit his teeth; either the reindeer had miraculously gotten stronger or…

“Please, even if you don’t want to, you need to say put.” Seeing as Zoro didn’t look like he was willing to try again, the other shrunk back down and slowly, cautiously removed his hold on him. “I know it hasn’t been that long, but I promise, it will help if you at least try to tal-”

Zoro grit his teeth, a low growl itching in his chest. “I’ve told you, already. It’s that goddamn idiot’s fault, he got himself k-illed!” He tasted a faint flavor of bile as he forced the word out. And now Chopper was looking at him with that _look _again. He despised it so damn much. Clearing his throat, he tossed the sheet draped over him in one fluid motion. “I-I need a drink…” he muttered, head bowed.

“What!?” the doctor exclaimed, already flailing his arms in weak attempts to stop the man. “B-But Zoro-”

Despite his words, Zoro stopped once he was sitting on the edge of the bed, taking deep, unsteady breaths. He took a look around for the first time, and queasiness welled up. It was the same room that… He pressed his teeth together and cut his eyes over to the wall. His gaze found the crater in the wall. His knuckles still stung from the memory of it. “I...I just want to see him again, alright?” he mumbled, bowing his head farther.

With his attention lowered, the swordsman could only hear the flinch from the other. The choke and swallow was the only thing he could go by. “W-What do you mean…’see’?” Chopper asked, his horror on full display.

Zoro shook his head, and finally let out that growl that head been growing deep down. “I-I don’t mean that!” he blurted out. “Don’t worry, I’m not gonna...you know,” he waved a hand, struggling to get to his feet. As unsteady as he was, wavering with every inhale, it didn’t take a lot for the smaller to easily push him off balance and knock him back onto the bed. It seemed so effortless.

“No,” Chopper declared. “I’m hereby cutting you off until you start taking care of yourself.” He gave the man a quick glance over. “When was the last time you actually ate?”

The swordsman didn’t answer. He already knew the answer to that one...maybe a little too clearly. It was the afternoon before…

“I’m just not hungry, alright? Is that such a crime?”

The reindeer narrowed his eyes. “I’ll have someone bring something then, something light. You need something, even if it’s just a little bit. I’m not letting you leave this spot until you at least look decent, understand?”

The other said nothing, just laid his head back. Damn he was exhausted. Even as Chopper talked, he could feel sleep pulling him back. He almost welcomed it. He thought back to his previous dream. It had been so peaceful, too much so. And, oh, how he longed to return to it. He sank deeper into the linen. He didn’t want to admit, especially not out loud. But...if he could stay there...he wouldn’t complain.

Zoro didn’t know how long he stayed like that, or if he managed to drift off at all. But, he was dragged back to reality by a certain aroma, one that immediately made his body repulsed. He cracked his eye open in time to see Robin handing a bowl over to Chopper. Catching his stare on her, she offered nothing more than a weak smile before strolling gracefully away.

“It’s just broth,” Chopper assured. “Think you’re willing to try:?”

Zoro was getting ready to decline, sure the thought alone was going to make him sick. But… ‘ _I didn’t save your shitty life just so you can throw it away like an ungrateful, snot-nosed brat.’_

With a heavy sigh, he slowly worked his way up until he had his back propped up on the headboard. “I guess I don’t really have a choice. Gonna have my ass kicked one way or another…” Chopper raised a confused brow at that, but left it chalked up as delirium. Trusting Zoro, he handed the bowl over, but made sure to keep his hooves hovering just in case.

The swordsman took one, deep inhale of the steam and was already cringing. He wasn’t sure if it was just him...or if the stuff actually smelled off-putting. There was hesitation, but he finally convinced himself to grab the spoon and scoop a bit of the liquid. The stuff barely got to touch his lips before he was cringing again.

“It tastes like shit…” he muttered.

Chopper’s face fell slightly. “You didn’t even taste it…”

“Don’t have to,” Zoro retorted. “I can just look at it and tell. I think I’ve learned to tell what _good _food looks like.” But, he took a deep breath. Without Chopper having to say anything, he knew he had to just do it. Didn’t mean he had to like it though.

He held his breath this time, holding it every time he took another bite. Though, he could still feel the warmth all the way down. Going so long without actual sustenance, it didn’t take but half the bowl before he - his body, rather - decided it was plenty. Zoro handed the rest back over with a small shake of his head.

“Happy?”

“Very,” Chopper replied, looking pleased with himself. “Think you can drink some water now? Or is that pushing it.”

Without hesitation, Zoro lifted a hand, already paling slightly. “M-Maybe in a little bit,” he breathed out. He leaned back and stared at the far wall. It was a strange feeling, sitting there like he was. In there, in that moment, things seemed almost unnaturally normal. Perhaps it was due to the fact that his mind was still a little foggy or that he finally got the sleep he desperately needed. But it was refreshing, in a way.

“It’s been four days...right?”

There was a hitch in his breath before Chopper gave a soft hum. He set the bowl aside and crossed his hooves in his lap. “Almost five now…”

“W-Where is he?” he felt sick for asking that, but there was no stopping the question from falling out.

The reindeer straightened up, clearly highly uncomfortable. “Zoro, I really don’t think you shou-

“I need to see him.”

Chopper’s lips pressed together in a thin line and a small whimper tickled his throat. “He’s in the other room… A-Are you sure you want to though? Maybe it’s best we leave him until...until… the time comes.”

Zoro swallowed thickly. To be honest, he wasn’t really sure. His eye darted along the wall as he considered the options. Then, with a slow exhale, “Yeah...I am.”


	5. Wait For Me - On The Merry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, last chapter. XD I don't normally do Death Fics, but the prompt made it too tempting...
> 
> This one has a song as well, I have marked where to listen at.
> 
> Song is "First Day of My Life" by: Bright Eyes

The swordsman stood, frozen outside the door. For a couple minutes now, his hand rested on the handle - numb. That familiar lightheadedness was starting to return to him and dryness filled his mouth and throat.

“We can go back, if you wan-” Chopper tried to remind.

“No,” Zoro interrupted, surprisingly gently. “I-I have to do this.” Why did he have to do this? He had no idea. He knew it was going to hurt, knew damn well. But there was a festering sensation in the center of his chest that has yet to go away. And it seemed as though it was there to stay until he managed to get it out for himself.

He took one last deep breath. He had to stop delaying; it was now or never. Zoro wasn’t sure he could live with himself if he didn’t just go in and get it over. No more thinking; the swordsman pushed the door open, inwardly cringing at the creak it produced. As the wood slid over the floor, pausing when it reached a few feet, Zoro stared in as light spilled in, highlighting a perfect, short path along the floorboards.

The reindeer was right behind him. One glance back though, and Zoro saw his head ducked, eyes averted. Not that he blamed him.

“You know, you don’t have to come as well,” Zoro smiled softly. But it felt awkward on his face and they both knew it was only for the younger’s sake.

Chopper just nodded, but kept his head lowered.

Zoro dropped one hand until he could place his palm on the top of the reindeer’s head. “Well, here goes,” he sighed, forcing his legs to finally move. Each step felt like it took an eternity. Each one brought him closer in, nearer to _him. _He was barely aware of the frigid temperature. His breaths came out in puffs of clouds and chills were already forming on his arms. Though, that part, he was sure wasn’t from the cold.

His heart seemed to bounce off the walls, and every inhale brought sharp pains to his lungs. But, he was convinced no air was actually getting to them. And they ceased altogether when he was looking down, eye falling on the still form. Only a thin, white veil blocked his view.

Hand hovering over the top, he drew in a shaky gasp. Zoro closed his eye as his fingers grasped the sheet, holding it for a few seconds before he finally found the courage to peel it back. Even with his vision shut out, he could see the man’s palid features.

But, even as vivid as those images were, it was still nothing like it was when he finally opened his eye. It was weird; he didn’t feel sick or repulsed like he was expecting. It could best be described as being detached, like it wasn’t him that was seeing this, but he was seeing it through the eye of another.

“S-Sanji…” he mouthed, a silent whisper.

He inhaled sharply. How...how could someone sleep so and still look so exhausted? There were dark circles under his eyes, only standing out sharper thanks to the lack of color.

Zoro found his fists balling at his sides on their own. He couldn’t take his eyes away from the man’s face. If it weren’t for the ghostly appearance...then… Teeth bit into his bottom lip; he didn’t even let up when the flavor of copper trickled over his tongue.

He could hear Chopper step a bit closer. “We’ve been waiting until you were ready until...we do what we have to,” he said quietly. “It’s already been longer than it should have. We have t-”

“I’m aware.”

“We’re going to carry it out this evening…” the reindeer continued, unphased. Zoro could tell he was doing his best to keep his voice as steady as it was.

Zoro hummed lowly, unconsciously reaching for the cook’s hand. His fingers felt over the back of it as they wrapped around. Ice seeped into his hand, and he had to fight the urge to shudder. Instead, he just held tighter, barely aware of his vision blurring dangerously. He inhaled deeply, breath hitching at the end.

“I was right there…” he muttered, but loud enough for Chopper to hear. “I was by his side the whole time...and I...I didn’t even notice something was wrong until-” He grit his teeth and lifted his other hand to press the heel of it against his eye. It did little good, and moisture still found a way around. “But...it was too late,” he finished, leaving it up to the other to fill in the gap on his own.

He felt a light tug towards the bottom of his kimono, but he didn’t look down; he didn’t dare remove his hand. “There was nothing either of us could have done,” Chopper reminded. There was a pang in his own chest as he said that. “It wouldn’t have mattered if you caught it earlier or not.” There was another sniff. “N-No matter what....it was u-up to him.”

The swordsman said nothing else. He knew it was true. He’d seen the wounds, saw the blood that was lost. The likelihood of anyone surviving something like - even himself - it just wasn’t high at all.

There really was nothing else either of them could have done.

He shifted his hand until their fingers were able to interlock, and he finally moved his other hand in order to brush a few strands of hair from the blond’s face. He didn’t care that Chopper was still standing there, didn’t give a shit how he must have looked. Even Sanji’s forehead was cool to the touch.

“You dumbass, I-I never asked to be saved.” Every ounce of anger he once had was diminished from his tone. “If this is what it means to be protected...then I want nothing to do with it. I don’t want to be protected if it means I have to watch those I love die!”

He could no longer see, so clouded were his eyes as tears started to flow freely. Once they started, he didn’t know how to stop them. His legs trembled. There was no helping it, no strength left to keep him from falling to his knees. His hands never faltered from their positions as he leaned down until his forehead was resting against the bed. There was no telling how long he stayed like that. However long it was, Chopper never said a word, no one came near, and he was left to stay there for as long as he needed.

Everyone else already got the chance to say their goodbyes; it wouldn’t hurt to let him have the remaining time.

* * *

***Song Here***

Zoro breathed in slowly through his nose. The air was crisp, cool. It was almost chilled enough to make the cold sensation in his arms seem normal. He pulled the form in close, heart clenching when - even through the sheet - he could feel the other’s head roll and rest against his shoulder.

“We’re almost there,” he promised silently. Though, he was sure it was more for himself. As he forced his legs to move, he desperately wanted to cry, his body craved it...but he just couldn’t. He felt drained, like there was nothing left.

He continued walking, the eyes of the others on the two of them completely unnoticed. He just focused on moving forward and fighting the urge to turn back. His hands held on tighter as he drew closer to the rail of the ship. Keeping both arms wrapped around the blond, Zoro jumped to stand on the wooden edge. His gaze glanced over the weight in his arms...down to the sea.

_It was so calm down there._

The waves rolled slowly, peacefully. He found it difficult to tear his attention away.

He didn’t _want _to do this.

“Zoro...you know what you have to do…” It was Nami who spoke to him.

Zoro didn’t reply, but he lowered his head farther in order to look at the bundled chef in his hold. All he had to do was...let go. It wasn’t that hard. His fingers twitched and his arms shook with the effort. But, they refused to budge.

He couldn’t do it.

“If you don’t want to...then I can,” Franky offered, lowly.

The next offer was reluctant as Usopp had to consider. But, he gave his generous: “Yeah...it’s alright. W-We understand if you’d rather...someone else handle it.” His own tone was tight. Zoro could hear it, in both of their voices. No one wanted to be the one to send him off. They couldn’t be blamed for it though.

No...it had to be him. He owed Sanji at least this.

The swordsman closed his eye tightly. He couldn’t just let go - at least not like this. He took in another deep breath and closed his eye. His left foot stepped out.

“Zoro!” He didn’t know who cries his name, or how many of them did so. It was alright though.

‘I don’t plan on going just yet,’ he thought to himself, hoping the others knew this as well.

His thoughts were washed away by crisp submersion. All of his senses were encompassed in ocean. It was so dark; he could barely see more than a few feet in front of him. And farther he continued to sink. Slowly, he opened his eye to look back to Sanji; a few bubbles surfaced from the material. A small part of him desperately wanted to believe they were from breaths. But, even still, the icy skin could be felt.

_I guess this is it._

He pulled the blond in close...for the last time, held him securely, protectively.

_It’s going to be cold down there._

He finally let go with one hand in order to shrug off his kimono. Snuggly, he tied the garment around the outside of the sheet, making sure there was no chance of it coming off.

_But…_

He fought the urge to let out a sob as he placed his lips on the top of the other’s head, letting go with the other hand finally. He didn’t pull away, rather, Sanji pulled away from him. Already, his body was being consumed by the sea.

_But, you won’t be alone down there._

He watched, lungs burning, knowing he wouldn’t be able to stay down for much longer. But, he had to see him off until the very end.

_The Merry is waiting for you there._

All he could see was the endless depths now. Sanji had been welcomed into it with open arms. He’d be alright...they both would. This wasn’t the end. One day, Zoro knew he’d see him again.

_So, return to the Merry, Sanji, and wait for me there._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Annnnnd only 2 fics left. ;A;


End file.
